How to Start a Conversation and Talk to Anyone With Social Intelligence

18 min readMar 16, 2021

Talking to new people is a skill you’re going to need to develop if you want more people to sort through to find friendship caliber people and to develop relationships with them.

If you think about it, everyone you’re going to have relationships with that aren’t currently in your life right now is going to come as a result of you meeting them.

The good news is that cool people are everywhere, the problem is that you’ll need to start conversations with them — which require initiative and most likely getting over fears.

If you’re interested in creating a rewarding social life, get my book Outside the Box to Box: Experience the Joys of Connection by Creating a Rewarding Social Life: https://rocketshippublishing.com/giveaway/

First Impressions

First things first, you have to set a strong stage before you even say a word.

Get into the habit of smiling at people. If there is one instant change that can make you 10x more social, it’s this.

When you smile at strangers and they smile back at you, it immediately removes the first thing humans assess about someone: their threat level. A smile communicates that you’re not a threat, you’re friendly, and more importantly, you’re mentally stable (at least in the moment).

You’re doing yourself a huge favor by smiling at people because it opens up many easy ways to interact with someone and it takes them out of the first thing they evaluate, your threat, and they can start subconsciously evaluating you on other things which are super important for actual interactions.

Someone who is unsure if someone is a threat or not is always going to instinctually lean towards the threat. That’s why you get an icky vibe around homeless people, people who don’t smile, people who can’t keep eye contact, people who stare, or people who speak too fast because your brain is either coding them as a threat or is not sure — either way your instincts tell you to GTFO! Smiling at people takes some social vulnerability but you get it, interactions are so easy to start.

When you smile and someone and they smile back, you can move right into “how’s it going?” because you two have acknowledged each other, you’re familiar with each other (even if it’s only for a second), and you two have given out a positive signal. Starting a conversation from that point is natural.

Say It Without Thinking

When you want to start a conversation with someone and if you’re not a natural at it yet, you’re going to be quite in your head.

To start a conversation from that state, you almost have to just say what you want to say without thinking. When you do this for the first time, it’s going to be a strange feeling because there will be a moment where your brain doesn’t realize that you’ve already said it and you’re already in conversation.

A similar concept if you have to walk over to talk to someone, the difficult part is actually walking over.

Your brain may be against this due to the fear of uncertainty but the trick is to move your feet and start walking without even thinking about it. When you do this, your brain goes into conversation mode since you’re on a one-way street to that person.

The good news is that the most difficult part is starting the conversation.

Starting the Conversation

Conversation starters can fall under one of three categories: a question, a comment, or a direct starter.

Questions are the safest way to start a conversation since you’re not necessarily starting a conversation right instead, are asking a question with the opportunity to create a conversation. You can ask questions about the place you’re in, such as the restaurant, gym, or office, or you can ask questions about them, such as what they have on something they’re doing, or an opinion. The thing with questions is that if you ask a more bland question that doesn’t spark emotions (which is fine, by the way) like asking for directions or asking about the situation, and you want to create a conversation, make sure you follow it up with something that does spark emotion soon or else you may be stuck with a boring, uneventful conversation.

You can also make comments when starting interactions. Comments are a great way to start a conversation because of the creative freedom you have. Comments can be something about the situation you’re in or it could be a comment about them. Similar to questions, comments about the situation can be about the place you’re in or something related to it. Comments about them can be a standard comment or a compliment. When giving a compliment, try to be more specific about the thing you’re complimenting. Specificity helps make it more unique and means more since it may be something they’ve never heard before.

Or you can do it with a simple yet effective direct starter. A direct starter is something that requires or has no context, it’s just you starting a conversation. Something like “how’s it going?” or “hello” are examples of direct starters. For the longest time, I thought that I needed to come up with some elaborate, creative question or comment to start a conversation with a stranger. Who am I to turn to the person next to me and say hello. Well turns out that’s a really effective opener. But because there are no other words to judge you on, make sure you’re doing this with a smile and a positive state of mind.

Ease the Tension

When you’re speaking to someone for the first time, there is still a great deal of tension especially on the receiving side since you are a stranger who came up to them out of the blue. This is less of a problem if you’re in a social event since there is a sense of familiarity (same group/ activity/ mutual friends) but a common issue if you’re talking to people randomly.

Unless you do something to ease the tension at the start of the conversation, the threat factor won’t disappear which will cause the other person to stay guarded and possibly look to leave the conversation as soon as possible.

This is why smiling is so important because smiling immediately drops the potential threat down, but couple this with the following tactic for calm, casual transitions into the conversation.

When entering a conversation, do something to acknowledge the fact that this is a random conversation and you’re a stranger so they know you’re socially intelligent enough which will ease the tension.

The best types of lines include:

“Hey sorry to bother you but…”
“I know this is kind of random but…”

If the situation allows for it, you can also add in what you are going to be doing in the future so it shows them that there is a time limit on the conversation.

The two things that people worry about when a person is randomly starting a conversation with them are: are they a threat and how can I leave. By smiling and acknowledging the randomness, you diminish the threat factor, and communicating that you have a “time limit” also eases their tension as they know this conversation is coming to an end regardless. Whether you two vibe and stay in conversation is up to you two but at least the default is you’re not a threat.

Situational things you can include: (By the way, these are optional and are context-dependent. These will help you out a ton but don’t force a reason if you don’t have one.

(At a mall, talking to a person) “Pardon me, I was just about to head into the store but I just wanted to say you have a really cool jacket.”
(At a social event, talking to a person) “Hey I was just standing over there with my friends but I couldn’t help but overhear you were a big Lakers fan, so am I.”
(At a gym, talking to an attractive person) “I know this is kind of random, but I was just about to leave the gym, but I noticed you were really cute and I wanted to come over and say hello.”

Conversation

Although conversations should be free-flowing and there aren’t any “rules”, there are two very important things you should consider when in conversation.

The first is finding commonality. If you followed the steps in the section above, the other person should be eager to talk to you since you’re no longer a threat in their minds and you’ve come across as socially intelligent and positive but it isn’t a guarantee that there is a foundation for connection until you find commonality.

Humans create social bonds when they have something in common with each other. This is why when you’re traveling and someone mentions they’re from the same country as you, you two instantly click. You don’t know this person, but they have something in common with you. The same thing for two strangers who are watching the same game at the bar and both are fans of the same team. Same thing if you and another stranger are at the same exercise class, you two have the class in common.

If you’re in a social event or at some sort of group setting, the commonality is simple: whatever you two are doing.

But it gets a bit trickier if you are talking to some random person. You’re going to have to search for some commonality. You can do this by asking about the following things:

What neighborhood they live in
Where they grew up
What school they went to
Where they work
Hobbies or interests
Favorite food
Anything really…

The thing to understand is to go about this in a socially intelligent way. Obviously don’t just fire off all these questions in hopes of a commonality somewhere but keep talking until you settle on something that you can at least build a conversation from.

The second thing you should know is to have fun. While this may seem obvious to some, it may not be to others. Conversations are not likely to continue for long if both people aren’t having fun in it. Whether this means smiling, laughing, talking about things you’re interested in, cracking jokes, as long as you’re enjoying the conversation, the other person will likely mirror it too.

Common Mistakes

Outcome focused

A big problem that many people can make when having interactions with others is they are too focused on trying to make them like you. The problem is that someone liking you is an outcome, and not an action so if you’re too focused on an outcome, then you’re not focused on what actually makes people like you. Or it can turn you into a nervous, self-conscious mess because the words you say and the enjoyment of your conversation is dependent on the signals the other person gives about you.

There isn’t anything wrong with trying to make people like you, but that shouldn’t be the motivating factor behind your interactions. When you’re interacting in a social setting, so not business or some formal occasion, your goal should be to have fun and find out what’s interesting about the other person. Combine this with all the steps we discussed in this book like feeling good, feeling comfortable, being respectable, being vulnerable, socially intelligent and charismatic, being liked will usually come as a natural by-product.

Running out of things to say

“How can I not run out of things to say?” is a common concern for those who are trying to learn how to start and have conversations with new people. Being concerned about not running out of things to say is the wrong thing to worry about. You can never “run out” of things to say, there are an endless amount of topics you can talk about. Seriously. Create a list of everything you can talk about, you’ll need notebooks and notebooks to finish that list.

The underlying concern with the question “how can I not run out of things to say?” is how can I be more comfortable with this person. Think about this: who are you the most comfortable with? Your friends, family, a coworker maybe. Do you ever “run out” of things to say with them? You most likely don’t, when a topic of conversation seems to be ending and one of you wants to keep the conversation going, you just say something else. There isn’t a concern of “am I saying the right thing?”, you just say it because you’re comfortable enough to do so. The only caveat here is that you’re knowledgeable enough to actually have topics you can talk about, but most of you are more knowledgeable than you think you can communicate.

Other Connection Methods

Incorporate touch

Although humans communicate with words, they also need to connect through touch. Touch is one of the most primal ways we connect. Being touched signals companionship as good, positive touch means you know they’re safe and you trust them, otherwise you wouldn’t let them touch you, and vice versa. Let’s put into your conscious mind what you already know subconsciously; who do you let touch you and who do you touch? People who are close to you. Friends, family, significant others. Who do you not let touch you? Anyone who you haven’t registered as safe yet. Strangers (to an extent), homeless people, thugs, or creepy people.

Touch is something you have to be conscious of how you use it. Too little may make you seem like a distant acquaintance and too much-uncalibrated touch makes you seem socially incompetent (because you are). A safe rule is to stick to handshakes, shoulder pats, upper back pats, and hugs or hugs for those you are not intimate with.

Remember and use their name

The easiest way to make someone really like you is to remember and use their name and the easiest way to turn someone off is to mispronounce their forget their name, instead referring to them as “man”, “dude”, “girl”, or speaking in a way that doesn’t incorporate their name.

When humans hear their name, they immediately connect and like you more because it signals that you are important to the other person to a point where you can remember and use their name. When people say I’m bad at names, that indicates one of two things. Poor memory recall, which can be a signal for poor health or low general intelligence, or they didn’t put the effort into remembering someone’s name. Most times it’s the latter, and this is exactly why using someone’s name makes them like you more because it’s essentially an investment in them.

Get Their Contact Info!

If the conversation is going well but it’s coming to an end, get their contact information — assuming you want to, of course. I can’t tell you how many great interactions I had with people but I forgot to get any sort of contact info. If you don’t get their contact info assuming that they’re not in a social setting that you’ll see them again, there’s a good chance you won’t — so get their contact info.

Getting their contact info is the easiest part, just stick out your phone and say “let me get your number/*social media platform*”. Don’t overthink this part, it’s the easiest step. Send them a message within the day because they may not remember you if you wait too long.

You Don’t Need a Reason to Talk to Someone

If there is one thing that being social has taught me, it’s that you don’t need an elaborate reason to talk to someone.

I’ve used this principle in my personal life whether it be with girls, friends, or making small talk with whoever.

It’s not uncommon at all for me to start a fun conversation with a cashier, a waiter, a person sitting next to me at a restaurant, coworkers, fellow students, people in the same group situation as me, people at the gym, someone on Instagram, where ever because I learned that I don’t need an elaborate reason to talk to anyone. Granted I still get nervous a lot of the time but I still do it anyway.

Of course, there are going to be lots of fears you will have to work through if you want to start talking to people you’ve never met before but just know one thing: you don’t need an elaborate or legitimate reason to talk to someone. Usually, those types of rationalizations are just that, rationalizations.

Where to Meet New People

Out and about

Start to notice the people around you on a day-to-day basis as actual people and not background characters to your life story. What does it mean? It means that all the people around you could be people you could interact with. The barista when you get your morning coffee, the people standing in line or the coffee shop, the person you sit next to on the bus or train, the group beside you at the bar, the person working out next to you at the gym, the trainer or manager at the gym, the waiter or waitress, people waiting at the crosswalk, the person in the same aisle at the grocery store, the people in your group activity, the people in your office building, any person that comes across you is someone you can meet. Of course, use your judgment and talk to people who seem cool and put together as these are probably going to be the better quality people.

Noticing people around you as actual people instantly puts you back into reality. Oftentimes, we live in our own bubble. I don’t just mean the fact that we’re always consuming an electronic device and aren’t in touch with reality, although that’s definitely true as well, we’re also in our own social bubbles. The people in our lives currently and the people we follow on social media are pretty much the only people in our lives, but that is completely not the case. Everyone you come across in real life can be a part of your life if you take your eyes off your phone, take out the earphones, and start to notice.

Social events

Social events are arguably the best place you can meet new people. The reason why is because you have a group of people doing something together or being in a place for a specific reason, which automatically reduces the stranger danger aspect and you have a reason to talk to each other.

Almost all social gatherings have some form of built-in socializing whether it’s icebreakers, networking, activities, events, or the gathering itself. Social events are a great way to put yourself in a social situation where the fears related to starting conversations are reduced since the gathering is meant for you to socialize with other people. It may still be scary but it will be far less scary than trying to start conversations with people out and about.

The best thing is that almost all places have some sort of group event available whether it’s a sports league, group classes, meetup groups, or volunteering. With the internet and platforms such as meetup.com or Facebook events, finding these events is easy, but it’s on you to find them and go.

A trick you can use to easily make friends at social events is to talk to people who are by themselves. You and I have both been in this situation, where we’re standing alone in a room full of people talking together. Remember that feeling of awkwardness? If you start talking to the people standing on their own, you will instantly be in their good graces. Double points if you can create a group of these people.

Friends of friends

Friends of friends take the benefits of social events and magnify them. Not only is the threat of stranger danger diminished, but it’s also almost eliminated because your friend has already screened them for you. Assuming that they’re actually a friend that you respect.

The best thing with friends of friends is that you can all do things together, such as social groups to meet people out and about. This will help you have more social support for going to these events and can reduce the pressure.

Overcome Fear

Fear of rejection

One thing stopping many people from taking the initiative to lead their social life is the fear of rejection. Fearing rejection doesn’t make you weak, it makes you normal since it’s a normal human instinct. However, if you’re going to do something substantial with your social life, you will have to get over the fear. How do you do so?

First, you have to understand why some people feel pain and anxiety more than others when it comes to rejection. Experience is a big part and we’ll get to this in a minute but there’s something deeper: their own self-image.

The brain works in a funny way. We’re not as logical and rational as we may believe, in fact, most of our brain is highly emotional and irrational. Ever ate at McDonald’s? Exactly.

When it comes to processing thoughts, what we think we do is similar to the scientific method; create a hypothesis, gather information, make a conclusion. But our brain actually does the reverse; we come to a conclusion, find information that supports our preexisting beliefs (confirmation bias), then maybe do we challenge our thoughts. But challenging your thoughts comes when you think about them consciously and can work through problems such as your ego.

How this ties into the fear of rejection is like this: if you have a poor self-image of yourself, you don’t like yourself, you think nobody will like you, then that is your conclusion, and the rejection or even just the fear of serves as evidence to your pre-existing conclusion which makes you more afraid. It definitely may still affect people with good self-images but perhaps to a lesser degree because the rejection serves as evidence that they haven’t found the right person or it’s an incompatibility. This is why I spend 7 chapters of my book on various self-improvement topics. When you work on your health, your appearance, your insecurities, your shame, assertiveness, values, honesty, vulnerability, social intelligence, and social skills, you will naturally develop a better self-image. It may not be completely great just yet but it should be decent. This is where knowledge and knowledge come in.

Knowledge and experience can help you overcome the fear of rejection because you’ll know and understand that rejection isn’t that big of a deal. When our instincts were being formed millions of years ago, rejection had real life-threatening consequences. In modern times, it means you feel stupid for a few moments but that’s about it. The goal with knowledge and experience is to help you shift towards a modern understanding of rejection and not be controlled by instincts. Most of the problems when it comes to rejection comes from the moments before you get rejected, not the actual rejection itself or what happens after. The goal is to help you understand the various aspects of rejection and why it’s not a big deal so you recognize these things when it happens so you can start logically thinking about rejection instead of letting your emotions control you.

For you to get the experience to overcome rejection, you need to develop positive reference points. Reference points are past experiences you can refer to to reinforce your mentality. If you asked someone to hangout and they said yes, that is a positive reference point. If they rejected you, that is a negative reference point. The only way true confidence is built is through demonstrated performance, so it’s about getting positive reference points until you are comfortable with yourself with dealing with rejection. The idea of flooding yourself with rejection to overcome your fear is absolutely false and will likely only serve to make you feel worse about rejection.

When you start experiencing moments where you can get rejected (being socially vulnerable), getting rejected, and the feelings that come with it, just understand that it’s not always your fault, accept the emotions for what they are, and learn how to improve your odds for next time.

How to reduce fear

If you have trouble starting conversations with people you want, it’s most likely because you’re not experienced enough with it and haven’t created enough positive reference points for you to become confident.

Confidence comes from competence. When you know you can do something well, you become confident. The problem is when you’re starting, it can seem like a catch 22. How can you become confident enough to talk to people to develop confidence?

The answer is to start small and gradually build up your skills and reduce fear. Instead of trying to walk up to someone and have an amazing, free-flowing conversation when you have no confidence or skill, start with situations with little to no risk and work your way up. In psychology, this is called systematic desensitization.

Try this exercise. Put the goal you want that will require a lot of confidence to do, put down where you are now, then create 5–10 progressive steps you can take to succeed with it.

Example:

End goal: be able to walk up to people at social events and have a great conversation with them
Where are you now: too nervous to start a conversation with anyone
5–10 progressive steps (in ascending order)
1: Study what makes good conversation. (this guide and my book are a good place to start)
2: Become comfortable making conversations with low-risk people (cashiers, baristas, classmates, people in your office, waiters/waitresses)
3: Go to more social events (parties, happy hours, recreational sports leagues, group exercise sessions, volunteering, classes)
4: Become comfortable starting conversation with people in these events (just starting the conversation for now)
5: Become comfortable having fun in the conversations
6: Become comfortable having conversations

Notice how each step isn’t that big of a step compared to the one before? If you are at step 1 right now, doing step 6 tomorrow might seem like an impossible task but you can surely do step 2 tomorrow. When implementing these steps, the key is to move on only when you are comfortable with the current step and it almost becomes easy. This will create a strong foundation of habit you can build off of when you take on the next step. If you consistently work to take action progressively, you will be surprised how fast you can accomplish your goals.