Although small talk is important for your social skills, you can’t rely on just small talk to build a connection. You will need to get into deeper conversation eventually to build real connections.
When to Have Deeper Conversation
There is no hard and fast rule on when small talk ends and when you are allowed to transition into deep conversation.
The best rule of thumb is when you’re comfortable enough with the other person.
Although this is mostly a subconscious feeling, if you were to define comfort with another person, it’s how much do you trust them.
Assuming that you’re capable of trusting people, trust may take a long time to build for some people you meet, but trust can also be developed within the first interaction for some.
There are people I’ve known for years that I don’t trust so I stick to small talk even after all these years, but there are people I just met who seem open, friendly, and trustworthy that I am comfortable enough to at least start testing the waters of deep conversation.
How to Transition to Deeper Conversation
Transitioning to deeper conversations isn’t a specific phase or procedure, but it’s when you introduce topics of conversation that are more personal and allow you two to get to know each other better.
You can do this by changing the topic of conversation, telling a deeper story, asking for their opinion on something personal, asking deeper questions, or providing some knowledgeable insight. You start sharing slightly deeper things, then if you two click on that level, you go a level deeper, then continue progressing as long as both of you are comfortable with it.
If you were to think of it in levels, let’s say there are 100 levels. Level one being shallow conversation and level 100 being your deepest secret you haven’t told anyone.
When you’re transitioning from small talk to deeper conversation, it doesn’t make sense for you to share level 50 or 60 type information yet, you start out by telling things that are around levels 1–5.
Deep conversation is also a two-way street. If you have hung out multiple times and you’re sharing level 20 type things at this point and the other person is still at level 3, there is a disconnect that will lead to an awkward relationship that builds no connection.
If you’re sharing things in a reasonable, socially calibrated manner, it may very well be that the other person is not capable of being emotionally vulnerable, which is far more common than you may realize.
Aside from sharing the literal deeper details, the deeper conversation also comes from when you start understanding why people do things and how they feel.
Understanding why allows you to learn more about their values, thoughts, and opinions, and learning their feelings allows you to connect with them since the connection is about being emotionally connected, not logically.